Today, being Halloween, I really wanted to write a little something "ghoulish," a real trick or treat, something fun!
I sat down earlier, and began to jot down a few little no-nothings that were basically amounting to a hill of beans. I felt like I needed a jump start. I finally submitted to the fact that "writing" just wasn't in the cards today... so I moved on and put the idea of blogging behind me for today.
What happened next was just too bizarre.
Moments ago I was sitting here at my desk working on a file and I heard these strange scratching & tapping noises. At first I thought it may have been Scooter or My-ami getting into no good, but that wasn't the case at all, they were sound asleep in their Daddy's office.
I had risen from my seat and after following the sounds, I was led to the reception area. The sounds, between the pauses, were stronger than ever, I began scanning the room unable to locate the source of this mysterious scratching. Suddenly, the abrupt tapping came out of nowhere, it was fast and furious and my blood pressure shot up like a rocket. In my panicky state I looked up to the skylight in the sloped part of the ceiling to see an enormous black crow pecking away feverishly at the window frame. Naturally I was alarmed and let out a bit of a shrill and of course that brought both dogs running from Danny's office out to their Mommy's aid.
Scooter took on the role of the ferocious protector. His body was completely tensed, and in the hunting stance of a Golden Retriever, roaring like a wild beast at that monster crow. Of course, had this albatross sized crow ever come even remotely close to him, he more than likely, would have run off with his tail tucked tightly tween his legs!! But...He certainly put on a fabulous show for his Mommy.
Let us not forget my girl... my Pamela Anderson of Golden Retrievers. Poor My-ami, living up to the stereotype of a dumb blonde, was still searching the four (lower) corners of the room. Helllooo? Is anyone in there?
Some protector she is... when at last she looked up, it was an epiphany!!
When all was said and done and I realized I was in no danger, I started to laugh at the thought of being spooked by a big old crow on Halloween ... how fitting!
Thinking about it now, perhaps that old crow was a sign, sent for a reason...I'm writing aren't I?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
"IF"
Isn't it peculiar how music, a certain song, uncontrollably makes us revisit a certain place in time? Our minds just wander there without our consent.
Last night, while driving home from work, the song "IF" by Bread, was playing on the car radio. I must express my gratitude to the powers that be, because as my head went traipsing off into my past, my car seemingly went into an auto-pilot mode. That song had taken me so far away, that before I knew it, I was pulling into my driveway with absolutely no recollection of getting there.
lyrics:
If a picture paints a thousand words,Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,You come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through, Then one by one the stars would all go out, Then you and I would simply fly away.
This song brings me to tears every time I hear it, for three different reasons, and all three, have my Dad at the root of them.
The very first place this song takes me is back to my Dad, asking me to Dance at my cousin's wedding just a month before he died. We danced to this song, and as we danced, he told me how proud of me he was and how I had turned out to be a beautiful young lady. Well... being 17 years old, and certainly not knowing he'd be gone from my life forever the following month, I remember rolling my eyes and couldn't wait for the song to end just to get off of that dance floor!
It was then that I learned how so very precious life is, and to appreciate the todays that we have, for the tomorrows may never come.
The second place my mind drifts to, is my High School Graduation, Sadly, Dad missed it, this occurred a month after his death. The High School band played at the ceremony and sure enough... didn't they play "IF", by Bread. It's all kind of a blur to me, even to this day... but I do remember crying and desperately scanning the bleachers just for a glimpse of my Mother. The simple site of her would console me and pull me through. She always did and always will.
The last memory I have of this song is a tough one. I chose this song for the Father-Daughter dance at my wedding. I knew it would be difficult to get through, but I wanted him with me the day I got married, and this was the closest way I could get to him.
I asked my Brother John to dance this dance with me, in place of my Dad, he proudly accepted and we had it dedicated aloud to our Father. It was a beautiful moment, we held each other and cried for the loss of our Father, but knowing full well, he was right there with the two of us.
The second verse was the most meaningful, there wasn't a dry eye in the house...
"If a man could be two places at one time,I'd be with you. Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way. If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die, I'd spend the end with you.And when the world was through, Then one by one the stars would all go out, Then you and I would simply fly away."
After getting into the house I was compelled to dig through my hope chest and pull out my wedding video. I hit fast forward to that particular dance and just sat on the end of my bed, watching and weeping.
The videographer had captured that moment, one I will never forget, he knew exactly what to do.
With the last line of the song "And when the world was through, Then one by one the stars would all go out, Then you and I would simply fly away." the video leaves my brother and I and drifts slowly up above, to the softly lit crystal chandelier we danced beneath.
He somehow shaded the lens, which gave an appearance of twinkling stars, and just as the song says; one by one the stars would all go out, and with the final note the twinkles just fade to black.
Very creative, very emotional and very appropriate.
Last night, while driving home from work, the song "IF" by Bread, was playing on the car radio. I must express my gratitude to the powers that be, because as my head went traipsing off into my past, my car seemingly went into an auto-pilot mode. That song had taken me so far away, that before I knew it, I was pulling into my driveway with absolutely no recollection of getting there.
lyrics:
If a picture paints a thousand words,Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,You come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through, Then one by one the stars would all go out, Then you and I would simply fly away.
This song brings me to tears every time I hear it, for three different reasons, and all three, have my Dad at the root of them.
The very first place this song takes me is back to my Dad, asking me to Dance at my cousin's wedding just a month before he died. We danced to this song, and as we danced, he told me how proud of me he was and how I had turned out to be a beautiful young lady. Well... being 17 years old, and certainly not knowing he'd be gone from my life forever the following month, I remember rolling my eyes and couldn't wait for the song to end just to get off of that dance floor!
It was then that I learned how so very precious life is, and to appreciate the todays that we have, for the tomorrows may never come.
The second place my mind drifts to, is my High School Graduation, Sadly, Dad missed it, this occurred a month after his death. The High School band played at the ceremony and sure enough... didn't they play "IF", by Bread. It's all kind of a blur to me, even to this day... but I do remember crying and desperately scanning the bleachers just for a glimpse of my Mother. The simple site of her would console me and pull me through. She always did and always will.
The last memory I have of this song is a tough one. I chose this song for the Father-Daughter dance at my wedding. I knew it would be difficult to get through, but I wanted him with me the day I got married, and this was the closest way I could get to him.
I asked my Brother John to dance this dance with me, in place of my Dad, he proudly accepted and we had it dedicated aloud to our Father. It was a beautiful moment, we held each other and cried for the loss of our Father, but knowing full well, he was right there with the two of us.
The second verse was the most meaningful, there wasn't a dry eye in the house...
"If a man could be two places at one time,I'd be with you. Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way. If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die, I'd spend the end with you.And when the world was through, Then one by one the stars would all go out, Then you and I would simply fly away."
After getting into the house I was compelled to dig through my hope chest and pull out my wedding video. I hit fast forward to that particular dance and just sat on the end of my bed, watching and weeping.
The videographer had captured that moment, one I will never forget, he knew exactly what to do.
With the last line of the song "And when the world was through, Then one by one the stars would all go out, Then you and I would simply fly away." the video leaves my brother and I and drifts slowly up above, to the softly lit crystal chandelier we danced beneath.
He somehow shaded the lens, which gave an appearance of twinkling stars, and just as the song says; one by one the stars would all go out, and with the final note the twinkles just fade to black.
Very creative, very emotional and very appropriate.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Little Red Stockings; My Mother's Memory.
Dear Mum,
I hope this is somewhat the way you remember things. I hope it brings you joy. I love you. Heidi
****************************************************************************************************************************
The first of October, the warmest of sun was beating through the window into the Family's 1965 Mercury Monterey.
The foliage was spectacular on the Mohawk Trail that year. I remember it well ... we had planned a day trip out into the western part of the State to "leaf peep," My grandparents, my baby and me. That year in particular, as we glided along in that big ole' Monterey, the country roadsides were just dripping with red and golden hues.
My Grandparents and I shared a moment that day ... something I have carried with me to this day.
We listened intently to the radio broadcast of the Boston Red Sox. The team was playing the final game for the American League Pennant against the Minnesota Twins. Things did not start off well for the Sox until Carl Yastrzemski tied the game in the fifth inning at 2-2 with a two run single ... after that, the flood gates remained open until the eighth inning when the score had reached 5-3.
We were so hopeful for the Pennant win, if only they could hold on until the end! I looked over at my baby girl who sat in her car seat, which mind you, back then...merely hooked over the rear seat. She was kicking her feet and chatting incessantly about anything and everything. Those little Stride Rites were going a mile a minute, thats when it hit me...she was wearing red socks!! I immediately untied the white walking shoes and plucked the stockings from both of her chubby feet. As she wiggled her toes and giggled aloud, I raised the socks into the air and cheered for the Boston Red Sox to hang on! Nannie and I made a promise to my Grandfather right then and there, as I clutched my daughters tiny socks in my hand, I said "Grampy, if the Sox take the Pennant, we will hang these stockings for good luck every year to come."
That was 1967. The Red Sox fulfilled the impossible dream that year with the American League Pennant win; Red Sox 5 Twins 3.
It's been 40 years now. Each year, early October, My Grandmother had those little red socks hanging in the cut-out window of her front door, she hung them until she was 87 years old. The tradition has since become mine. With the changing of the seasons, I find myself digging to the bottom of my hope chest, where wrapped in tissue paper; are the tiny red socks. I gently unfold them and hang them in my front window or on my front door. Once they are up I step back and recount the events of that day and think to myself "Go Sox!!"
My daughter is 42 years old now and Grampy has been gone for 35 of those years and Nannie's been gone 16.
Well...The Boston Red Sox just took home that Pennant again on Sunday and tomorrow is game one of the world series.
Something inside me longs to drive along the Mohawk Trail and drink in all of the memories.
I hope this is somewhat the way you remember things. I hope it brings you joy. I love you. Heidi
****************************************************************************************************************************
The first of October, the warmest of sun was beating through the window into the Family's 1965 Mercury Monterey.
The foliage was spectacular on the Mohawk Trail that year. I remember it well ... we had planned a day trip out into the western part of the State to "leaf peep," My grandparents, my baby and me. That year in particular, as we glided along in that big ole' Monterey, the country roadsides were just dripping with red and golden hues.
My Grandparents and I shared a moment that day ... something I have carried with me to this day.
We listened intently to the radio broadcast of the Boston Red Sox. The team was playing the final game for the American League Pennant against the Minnesota Twins. Things did not start off well for the Sox until Carl Yastrzemski tied the game in the fifth inning at 2-2 with a two run single ... after that, the flood gates remained open until the eighth inning when the score had reached 5-3.
We were so hopeful for the Pennant win, if only they could hold on until the end! I looked over at my baby girl who sat in her car seat, which mind you, back then...merely hooked over the rear seat. She was kicking her feet and chatting incessantly about anything and everything. Those little Stride Rites were going a mile a minute, thats when it hit me...she was wearing red socks!! I immediately untied the white walking shoes and plucked the stockings from both of her chubby feet. As she wiggled her toes and giggled aloud, I raised the socks into the air and cheered for the Boston Red Sox to hang on! Nannie and I made a promise to my Grandfather right then and there, as I clutched my daughters tiny socks in my hand, I said "Grampy, if the Sox take the Pennant, we will hang these stockings for good luck every year to come."
That was 1967. The Red Sox fulfilled the impossible dream that year with the American League Pennant win; Red Sox 5 Twins 3.
It's been 40 years now. Each year, early October, My Grandmother had those little red socks hanging in the cut-out window of her front door, she hung them until she was 87 years old. The tradition has since become mine. With the changing of the seasons, I find myself digging to the bottom of my hope chest, where wrapped in tissue paper; are the tiny red socks. I gently unfold them and hang them in my front window or on my front door. Once they are up I step back and recount the events of that day and think to myself "Go Sox!!"
My daughter is 42 years old now and Grampy has been gone for 35 of those years and Nannie's been gone 16.
Well...The Boston Red Sox just took home that Pennant again on Sunday and tomorrow is game one of the world series.
Something inside me longs to drive along the Mohawk Trail and drink in all of the memories.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Just My Imagination: a memory of young love.
Walking to school the long way, just to get a peek at him. I know it sounds crazy but that's what I did, in fact, brazen as hell, walked right by his girlfriends house at just the right time each and every morning, just so I could ogle at him... ok ok...the two of them, as they hopped into her 67 Pontiac something-or-other convertible.
The car was a beater, white with a black top, and all truth being told, she was nothing to look at either, but she did have a few things going for her....she was the senior and she did have that convertible, Damn her!
He was so Godly to me, and when I think of it... he lived only two streets away, then again ...so did she, so how lucky was I? I forever had my eyes peered for his comings and goings... yes, even if that meant he was with HER!
I thought about him constantly, my school work actually suffered because of him. The careful planning it took for me to be in the right place, at the right time, just to catch my next glimpse of him, was almost unbearable. I spent nearly the entire period of whatever class I was in, agonizing over being the first one out the door when that bell sounded, but prior to that bell, I had some serious work to do (0n me)!
That long blond hair had to be brushed to look like silk, partially hanging over one shoulder, a strand or two pulled behind the other ear, weighing back and forth, which, out of only two to pick from... was my best side?
The lip gloss had to be applied just moments before that long awaited bell...so that I still had that "fresh wet" look, just in case he happened to look my way.
Then there was the anguish of whether I should kind of casually lean up against the lockers sideways, or flat against my back with one knee bent, supporting my frame on one foot... you know the stance I mean, we've all done it. It was that relaxed confident stance.
All this, just in case he looked my way, which mind you, hardly ever happened!!
God! When I think of the time & energy invested... it was not an easy task.
Meanwhile school kept interfering; questions about a frogs digestive system, or "what chapter 5 of John Steinbecks, "The Pearl" was really saying to his readers?" or "What happens when atoms are split?".... Who gives a sh*t?...I just wanted and needed to look my best and that's that! I had little time to work with and all this other crap was trivial!!
He was a senior and I was the fawning freshman...that was the bottom line. Seems no matter what I did or where I turned up, it went, or should I say, I went.... unnoticed. Crushing indeed, but never ending was my crusade!!!
It had to be love, I started lying to my mother about meeting friends at football games, pep rallies and school dances, & yea , I was meeting friends all right, but I was meeting ones that could drive!! I was attending every senior house party I could, knowing full well his band would be playing when I got there. No sneak peeks needed there, it was a perfect excuse to just stare!
He was the lead guitarist and rarely ever sang, but my God when he did, my heart would beat right out of my chest, as if every word that passed his fleshy lips were meant for only me! Of course what in the name of Pete was I thinking? He was singing Led Zeppelin songs not Frank Sinatra?? Okay so I was buying a "Stairway to Heaven" ... hey...worked for me! And just for the record, my heart beat was probably bigger than my chest at that point in time! And here I am talking about HER being not much to look at... at least she'd stay afloat if her ship went down!
I spent my entire freshman year this way, had a blast, and not that it matters, but my quest was not in total vain, I had accomplished "Being Cool." BIG DEAL!!
I was in with the "In crowd" ...now "we," that being, he and I, ran in the same circles ... yet still... I went unnoticed!!
At this point we knew each other, ever so slightly, but that was a far cry from wanting to know him in the biblical sense!!!
I shudder now when I think of how low I really stooped ... so low as to become very good friends with HER... yup, you guessed it....Miss Pontiac something-or-other convertible, can ya believe it? Just to somehow, get closer to him! How evil -- when I think back!
Turns out, even though she wasn't much to look at she was a really great girl and I really DID like her and much to my surprise, I liked her even more once I found out she really wasn't all that into him. Her lack of interest explained her lack of attendance at all of these house parties that I was lying my a$$ off to get to!! I mean, yea, she came to a few, but now that I knew where I stood... well, technically, now that I knew where she stood, it made my "standing" ... one step closer to the golden God! I am telling you... if anyone were ever on a mission, it was me!
Summer was coming and I had big plans... heading to Sunny California for the entire month of July. Everybody that knew, truly envied me, and of course ...I let them. Why not?
What they didn't know, was... I was going to "Northern" California to visit family, not quite the picture my friends had envisioned of the West coast. When you hear California you think: surfing the waves, rollerblading topside the white sandy beaches, clad in a simple bikini & sporting a deep golden tan. Reality was... a planned trip to Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf, the crookedest street in the world & driving over the Golden Gate bridge and all it's fog, was what my itinerary looked like.
I just didn't see where changing "their" image would do "me" any good, so I let it play out the way "they" wanted....I mean, it was their picture, why ruin it for them? What the hell where they thinking anyway? I mean... if you just take the time to think about it....I was a freshman in High School for Christs sake, not some roadie with a band, jumping into the back of a chevy van for a cross country road trip, smoking hash, eating shrooms...and wearing flowers in my hair! hellooo?? But it was the seventies! I guess anything was possible... enough said!
Anyhow... all joking aside, my visit with my family in "The City by The Bay" was the best, a summer I'll never forget, with an ending even more unforgettable!
Mom picked me up at the airport & told me "we moved"!!
I knew I couldn't possibly have heard her correctly, she did not just blurt out, like it was no big deal, that "WE MOVED!" What in the hell did she mean we moved? What was going on? Why was I not consulted? Didn't "they" know I had big plans? I had yet to conquer the man of MY dreams. I had invested way too much time and effort with my perfect fitting Levi's (in every color, mind you), my frye boots, that silky blonde doo... the kissing potions in nearly every flavor manufactured, the locker stances, the parties, the endless lies, & all of it, for not?
I couldn't believe what was happening to me!!
"What did you say?" I asked in panic, as if I hadn't heard it clear as a bell the first time, and she merely repeated it, the second time adding her explanations as to why WE MOVED.
Her reasons were hers and I guess that's that, without getting into all of it now, I can only say, I guess I didn't blame her!
I will say this... there was no "They," Dad was staying home... "WE" moved!
Well, the next year brought with it a brand new boyfriend, who believe it or not I ended up Marrying later in life and ... divorcing, that's a story in itself, better saved for a rainy day! Even with a new boyfriend and a new home, I continued to long for my lead guitarist & his golden shoulder length hair.
This "longing" resulted in my Mother driving me back home, only an hour away, nearly every weekend, to stay at my girlfriends house. This is when life became easier than I could have hoped for.
All my lies when I was a freshman had to be well thought out as my Mother and I were only 20 years apart in age, she was pretty "in tune." My best friends Mother, on the other hand, although very much in tune, actually...more than we knew, was much older and working with her last child out of 7... she was done! She was not a stupid woman by any means, she had just been there-done that... 6 times before, which meant, lying to her was like a walk in the park...she, Chrissy and I, spent our weekends and school vacations living like college girls in a dorm, coming and going as we pleased.
Her poor mother, when I think of it now, God rest her soul, we'd come in the back door at say 10:00pm or 11:00pm, merely as a cover, and right back out the front door like thieves in the night, sometimes rolling in after 1:00am & she never even heard us....well, put it this way, if she did, she was probably just thankful we were home! The poor thing! If we could only do things over - HA! Would we? NEVER! hahahaha
They say "All good things come to those who wait" well I had waited long enough ... and sure enough, one of those weekends "HOME" paid off.
There we were, Chrissy and I, at this party great Party Linda had ( she had many), and there "HE" was, playing in the band. What a coincidence? yea right! I walked in the room and what happened next is still a blur!
Right in the midst of their rendition of J.Geil's, "Musta got lost" ... there was eye contact and an instant connection! It was like a live wire, his face lit up like a Christmas tree and he flashed me that pearly smile that stays with me to this day! Abruptly, the band announced a short break and much to my surprise, he couldn't get to me quick enough. I had to pinch myself, not so sure if this was all real. He greeted me with such energy, he actually said he missed having me around and was glad to see me again.
Now, you must understand ... this man was God to me ... you can only imagine how my heart was beating right out of my chest ... but guess what? This year, I actually had some chest to go along with those beats! Life was good!
Now...Instead of melting like the love sick pup that I was, I just kind of rode the wave and told him it was really great seeing him too! He look disappointed. Now what had I done? I was way to casual ... damn it! This was an investment, I barely knew this guy but loved him just the same and now in an instant, with what I thought was "playing it cool" I could have thrown it all away! I knew right then game playing was not for me when it came to matters of the heart!
My knees were knocking & my libations were going down a little too quickly as I felt the need to do something with my trembling hands... I decided right then and there, that If he can be honest and expressive about how he felt, then so could I, skip the games! I looked him square in the face expressed my sincere interest, mixed with a little body language and within seconds it all just clicked! I felt very empowered, not to mention very... well you know! :)
Ahhh the teen years! Gone but not forgotten.
He sang to ME that night... "Just my imagination" by the Temptations. My heart was all his and his only!
Needless to say, he was my ride home that night and for many a night thereafter! My lead guitarist and I were together for quite some time.
He still comes to me.... although now, in "Just my imagination."
The car was a beater, white with a black top, and all truth being told, she was nothing to look at either, but she did have a few things going for her....she was the senior and she did have that convertible, Damn her!
He was so Godly to me, and when I think of it... he lived only two streets away, then again ...so did she, so how lucky was I? I forever had my eyes peered for his comings and goings... yes, even if that meant he was with HER!
I thought about him constantly, my school work actually suffered because of him. The careful planning it took for me to be in the right place, at the right time, just to catch my next glimpse of him, was almost unbearable. I spent nearly the entire period of whatever class I was in, agonizing over being the first one out the door when that bell sounded, but prior to that bell, I had some serious work to do (0n me)!
That long blond hair had to be brushed to look like silk, partially hanging over one shoulder, a strand or two pulled behind the other ear, weighing back and forth, which, out of only two to pick from... was my best side?
The lip gloss had to be applied just moments before that long awaited bell...so that I still had that "fresh wet" look, just in case he happened to look my way.
Then there was the anguish of whether I should kind of casually lean up against the lockers sideways, or flat against my back with one knee bent, supporting my frame on one foot... you know the stance I mean, we've all done it. It was that relaxed confident stance.
All this, just in case he looked my way, which mind you, hardly ever happened!!
God! When I think of the time & energy invested... it was not an easy task.
Meanwhile school kept interfering; questions about a frogs digestive system, or "what chapter 5 of John Steinbecks, "The Pearl" was really saying to his readers?" or "What happens when atoms are split?".... Who gives a sh*t?...I just wanted and needed to look my best and that's that! I had little time to work with and all this other crap was trivial!!
He was a senior and I was the fawning freshman...that was the bottom line. Seems no matter what I did or where I turned up, it went, or should I say, I went.... unnoticed. Crushing indeed, but never ending was my crusade!!!
It had to be love, I started lying to my mother about meeting friends at football games, pep rallies and school dances, & yea , I was meeting friends all right, but I was meeting ones that could drive!! I was attending every senior house party I could, knowing full well his band would be playing when I got there. No sneak peeks needed there, it was a perfect excuse to just stare!
He was the lead guitarist and rarely ever sang, but my God when he did, my heart would beat right out of my chest, as if every word that passed his fleshy lips were meant for only me! Of course what in the name of Pete was I thinking? He was singing Led Zeppelin songs not Frank Sinatra?? Okay so I was buying a "Stairway to Heaven" ... hey...worked for me! And just for the record, my heart beat was probably bigger than my chest at that point in time! And here I am talking about HER being not much to look at... at least she'd stay afloat if her ship went down!
I spent my entire freshman year this way, had a blast, and not that it matters, but my quest was not in total vain, I had accomplished "Being Cool." BIG DEAL!!
I was in with the "In crowd" ...now "we," that being, he and I, ran in the same circles ... yet still... I went unnoticed!!
At this point we knew each other, ever so slightly, but that was a far cry from wanting to know him in the biblical sense!!!
I shudder now when I think of how low I really stooped ... so low as to become very good friends with HER... yup, you guessed it....Miss Pontiac something-or-other convertible, can ya believe it? Just to somehow, get closer to him! How evil -- when I think back!
Turns out, even though she wasn't much to look at she was a really great girl and I really DID like her and much to my surprise, I liked her even more once I found out she really wasn't all that into him. Her lack of interest explained her lack of attendance at all of these house parties that I was lying my a$$ off to get to!! I mean, yea, she came to a few, but now that I knew where I stood... well, technically, now that I knew where she stood, it made my "standing" ... one step closer to the golden God! I am telling you... if anyone were ever on a mission, it was me!
Summer was coming and I had big plans... heading to Sunny California for the entire month of July. Everybody that knew, truly envied me, and of course ...I let them. Why not?
What they didn't know, was... I was going to "Northern" California to visit family, not quite the picture my friends had envisioned of the West coast. When you hear California you think: surfing the waves, rollerblading topside the white sandy beaches, clad in a simple bikini & sporting a deep golden tan. Reality was... a planned trip to Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf, the crookedest street in the world & driving over the Golden Gate bridge and all it's fog, was what my itinerary looked like.
I just didn't see where changing "their" image would do "me" any good, so I let it play out the way "they" wanted....I mean, it was their picture, why ruin it for them? What the hell where they thinking anyway? I mean... if you just take the time to think about it....I was a freshman in High School for Christs sake, not some roadie with a band, jumping into the back of a chevy van for a cross country road trip, smoking hash, eating shrooms...and wearing flowers in my hair! hellooo?? But it was the seventies! I guess anything was possible... enough said!
Anyhow... all joking aside, my visit with my family in "The City by The Bay" was the best, a summer I'll never forget, with an ending even more unforgettable!
Mom picked me up at the airport & told me "we moved"!!
I knew I couldn't possibly have heard her correctly, she did not just blurt out, like it was no big deal, that "WE MOVED!" What in the hell did she mean we moved? What was going on? Why was I not consulted? Didn't "they" know I had big plans? I had yet to conquer the man of MY dreams. I had invested way too much time and effort with my perfect fitting Levi's (in every color, mind you), my frye boots, that silky blonde doo... the kissing potions in nearly every flavor manufactured, the locker stances, the parties, the endless lies, & all of it, for not?
I couldn't believe what was happening to me!!
"What did you say?" I asked in panic, as if I hadn't heard it clear as a bell the first time, and she merely repeated it, the second time adding her explanations as to why WE MOVED.
Her reasons were hers and I guess that's that, without getting into all of it now, I can only say, I guess I didn't blame her!
I will say this... there was no "They," Dad was staying home... "WE" moved!
Well, the next year brought with it a brand new boyfriend, who believe it or not I ended up Marrying later in life and ... divorcing, that's a story in itself, better saved for a rainy day! Even with a new boyfriend and a new home, I continued to long for my lead guitarist & his golden shoulder length hair.
This "longing" resulted in my Mother driving me back home, only an hour away, nearly every weekend, to stay at my girlfriends house. This is when life became easier than I could have hoped for.
All my lies when I was a freshman had to be well thought out as my Mother and I were only 20 years apart in age, she was pretty "in tune." My best friends Mother, on the other hand, although very much in tune, actually...more than we knew, was much older and working with her last child out of 7... she was done! She was not a stupid woman by any means, she had just been there-done that... 6 times before, which meant, lying to her was like a walk in the park...she, Chrissy and I, spent our weekends and school vacations living like college girls in a dorm, coming and going as we pleased.
Her poor mother, when I think of it now, God rest her soul, we'd come in the back door at say 10:00pm or 11:00pm, merely as a cover, and right back out the front door like thieves in the night, sometimes rolling in after 1:00am & she never even heard us....well, put it this way, if she did, she was probably just thankful we were home! The poor thing! If we could only do things over - HA! Would we? NEVER! hahahaha
They say "All good things come to those who wait" well I had waited long enough ... and sure enough, one of those weekends "HOME" paid off.
There we were, Chrissy and I, at this party great Party Linda had ( she had many), and there "HE" was, playing in the band. What a coincidence? yea right! I walked in the room and what happened next is still a blur!
Right in the midst of their rendition of J.Geil's, "Musta got lost" ... there was eye contact and an instant connection! It was like a live wire, his face lit up like a Christmas tree and he flashed me that pearly smile that stays with me to this day! Abruptly, the band announced a short break and much to my surprise, he couldn't get to me quick enough. I had to pinch myself, not so sure if this was all real. He greeted me with such energy, he actually said he missed having me around and was glad to see me again.
Now, you must understand ... this man was God to me ... you can only imagine how my heart was beating right out of my chest ... but guess what? This year, I actually had some chest to go along with those beats! Life was good!
Now...Instead of melting like the love sick pup that I was, I just kind of rode the wave and told him it was really great seeing him too! He look disappointed. Now what had I done? I was way to casual ... damn it! This was an investment, I barely knew this guy but loved him just the same and now in an instant, with what I thought was "playing it cool" I could have thrown it all away! I knew right then game playing was not for me when it came to matters of the heart!
My knees were knocking & my libations were going down a little too quickly as I felt the need to do something with my trembling hands... I decided right then and there, that If he can be honest and expressive about how he felt, then so could I, skip the games! I looked him square in the face expressed my sincere interest, mixed with a little body language and within seconds it all just clicked! I felt very empowered, not to mention very... well you know! :)
Ahhh the teen years! Gone but not forgotten.
He sang to ME that night... "Just my imagination" by the Temptations. My heart was all his and his only!
Needless to say, he was my ride home that night and for many a night thereafter! My lead guitarist and I were together for quite some time.
He still comes to me.... although now, in "Just my imagination."
Friday, October 12, 2007
Dedication to Jarrod
When I look in your eyes it brings me back to the very day you were born, the very moment. The excitement, the pain, the tears of both, fear of the unknown and the joys of what was yet to come.
I remember the Doctor placing you on my chest, never a more precious moment in my life will I have.
I just held you, and with that nervous laugh, between the tears, I watched you stare up at me and blink those dark dark eyes, you focused and knew right then it was me. I was the one you grew inside, the one who's heart you grew right next door to. It was at that moment we both knew... we were together forever.
There would be paths to travel and hurtles to get over but we would be doing it together and that made it all ok. To date, we have traveled many a path and made it over many hurtles, we have had a life so full.
Tomorrow's are never guaranteed, which is why I am so grateful for all of the "todays" that we have.
One day I hope you will be looking into a set of dark eyes of your own and then you'll know.
So if you catch me looking at you in an odd sort of way or if you notice I'm getting lost in thought while your speaking to me about something so important... I am not ignoring you... I am absorbing you all over again. I am back there in time... I am remembering when I first looked in your eyes!
And someday, far from now, when God calls me home, I have asked but one thing of him...to please let me have my moment back, as I pass, nothing could bring me more peace.
I remember the Doctor placing you on my chest, never a more precious moment in my life will I have.
I just held you, and with that nervous laugh, between the tears, I watched you stare up at me and blink those dark dark eyes, you focused and knew right then it was me. I was the one you grew inside, the one who's heart you grew right next door to. It was at that moment we both knew... we were together forever.
There would be paths to travel and hurtles to get over but we would be doing it together and that made it all ok. To date, we have traveled many a path and made it over many hurtles, we have had a life so full.
Tomorrow's are never guaranteed, which is why I am so grateful for all of the "todays" that we have.
One day I hope you will be looking into a set of dark eyes of your own and then you'll know.
So if you catch me looking at you in an odd sort of way or if you notice I'm getting lost in thought while your speaking to me about something so important... I am not ignoring you... I am absorbing you all over again. I am back there in time... I am remembering when I first looked in your eyes!
And someday, far from now, when God calls me home, I have asked but one thing of him...to please let me have my moment back, as I pass, nothing could bring me more peace.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
My Chapel By The Sea.
Sunday Morning, 8:00 am at Saint Thomas' Chapel by the sea. The day was so dismal, thick with fog and drizzle.
The old chapel is nestled snug among the many cottages that line the harbor. The doors, rain or shine, always propped open wide with a view of the harbor yachts, yachts that day sat bobbing away on their moorings, as there was no sun in site.
The chapel interior so rustic, straight back pews built so the body has no choice but to sit at complete attention.
The alter and pulpit so simple so rough, even artless; yet it bears a beauty of it's own.
Post & beam low ceilings, no glitter-no gold but for a chalice or two. There are no extravagant chandeliers only candle light, and a simple vase filled with wildflowers.
A pure white stone statue of our blessed Mother, built into a dimly lit alcove, stands with her hands braced in prayer. She holds a look so serene as she takes on all of our burdens and prayers, no worry on her face. I imagine if faith had a look, this is maybe what it looks like, no furrowed brow, no tears.
Ironically enough, when I took my eyes off of her, and began to listen to the Fathers sermon, it was all about Faith ... actually he spoke of "Faith without uncertainty; is not faith at all" something to ponder anyhow!
The bay window behind the alter is the focal point, it draws me into this chapel by the sea and keeps me coming back. If there were any lavishness to this chapel at all, it would have to be this stained glass window. It is a bay window with such enormity it encompasses nearly the entire back wall of the chapel.
The stained glass mural is of our Lord Jesus standing before 8 of his followers in a wooden boat, with just enough room for only those aboard. The scene has them caught in a raging storm at sea, a blustery sky with gigantic blue swells of white capped waves licking & swashing the edges of the leaden down boat.
The 8 followers all painted with the look of fear & desperation on their faces ... but not our Lord. He stands before them as sturdy as the mast with it's billowy sail. His face shows no fear, stolid, he faces straightforward with his right hand raised to God our Father. He simply knows the sea will not swallow him this day~ He has purpose and will endure this storm. Again, I wonder, if faith had a look, would this be it?
The storms I encounter in my life do not compare to what our Lord and our Blessed Mother encountered. I must remind my self always that "The sea will not swallow me this day"
The old chapel is nestled snug among the many cottages that line the harbor. The doors, rain or shine, always propped open wide with a view of the harbor yachts, yachts that day sat bobbing away on their moorings, as there was no sun in site.
The chapel interior so rustic, straight back pews built so the body has no choice but to sit at complete attention.
The alter and pulpit so simple so rough, even artless; yet it bears a beauty of it's own.
Post & beam low ceilings, no glitter-no gold but for a chalice or two. There are no extravagant chandeliers only candle light, and a simple vase filled with wildflowers.
A pure white stone statue of our blessed Mother, built into a dimly lit alcove, stands with her hands braced in prayer. She holds a look so serene as she takes on all of our burdens and prayers, no worry on her face. I imagine if faith had a look, this is maybe what it looks like, no furrowed brow, no tears.
Ironically enough, when I took my eyes off of her, and began to listen to the Fathers sermon, it was all about Faith ... actually he spoke of "Faith without uncertainty; is not faith at all" something to ponder anyhow!
The bay window behind the alter is the focal point, it draws me into this chapel by the sea and keeps me coming back. If there were any lavishness to this chapel at all, it would have to be this stained glass window. It is a bay window with such enormity it encompasses nearly the entire back wall of the chapel.
The stained glass mural is of our Lord Jesus standing before 8 of his followers in a wooden boat, with just enough room for only those aboard. The scene has them caught in a raging storm at sea, a blustery sky with gigantic blue swells of white capped waves licking & swashing the edges of the leaden down boat.
The 8 followers all painted with the look of fear & desperation on their faces ... but not our Lord. He stands before them as sturdy as the mast with it's billowy sail. His face shows no fear, stolid, he faces straightforward with his right hand raised to God our Father. He simply knows the sea will not swallow him this day~ He has purpose and will endure this storm. Again, I wonder, if faith had a look, would this be it?
The storms I encounter in my life do not compare to what our Lord and our Blessed Mother encountered. I must remind my self always that "The sea will not swallow me this day"
Tradition
Every year round this time my heart begins to swell. The leaves are changing color, the days are filled with sunny skies but the crispy air shouts out "Sweater Weather!!" My favorite season is upon us, "Autumn."
Its time for apple picking, pumpkin patches, chilled cider & hot of the press "old fashioneds" (donuts). A visit to "The Big Apple" is always on the agenda for the first week or so in October. We so look forward to the horse drawn carriage rides while munching on a bag of kettle corn and I love watching Jarrod, share a cup of home made seasonal ice cream with Scooter and My-Ami... Saturdays flavor was spiced pumpkin.
I grew up visiting this local orchard/farm (The Big Apple) and cannot ever remember missing a season of hay rides, candied & caramel apples, and picking out our holiday pumpkin.
I have such fond memories of those days and made a decision while "with child" that I would do my very best to share this type of life with my baby when he or she arrived.
Here we are, "HE" is very much here and now on his 18th annual trip to "The Big Apple." My want and need to share my past & my family traditions with my Son means a great deal to me.
Life was simpler then. Our Dad's worked, and if we were lucky, most Moms were stay at home Mom's. Monday through Friday people worked hard and supper was on the table every night, same time. 5 PM. ( for whatever reason, Dad's were home by then)
There was such routine back then...pork chops and apple sauce on Mondays, cube steak or a meatloaf made with Campbell's tomato soup on Tuesdays, on Wednesdays we had a baked whole chicken. My Brother and I looked so forward to the wishbone and drying it out enough to make a wish upon, Thursdays were often spaghetti or a pasta of another sort and Friday was Pizza night at the Union Cafe... Hooray! All basic healthy meals made with love by Mum. Of course every now and again she'd snazz up the menu with a change; like hamburg sundae over mashed which may have replaced the chicken night... wowie! :)
She also, for reasons still unknown, would make the occassional liver and onions. I always wondered how a woman so good and so kind could be so cruel? Fortunately, we were allowed to drench the horrid liver in ketchup, but still... it went uneaten. She never learned, she'd always try- try again.
On the Saturdays, when we didn't have the old stand by of franks and beans, Dad would take over the kitchen & the good old electric fry pan, he'd fry up peppers and onions and hot Italian sausage ... they'd be smothered in olive oil, most often with scrambled eggs and we would literally sop it all up with a loaf of Italian bread made fresh from Ferrara's market that morning (hence the pepper and egg sandwich I love to this day). Of course poor Mum had to clean up our greasy chins & the horrible mess Dad made.
Sundays were a day of rest, for everyone but MUM. Everything was closed, it was a family day, Sunday morning mass at Saint Mary's and "Sunday dinner day". She made gorgeous roast beef dinners on Sundays with homemade pan gravy from the drippings, oven roasted potatoes, hot rolls and of course some sort of veggie, which back then I could have cared less about, veggies were not at the top of my list.
That was always a battle; being forced to choke those down. My parent's happen to use the old stand by "clock threat."
Their voices still ring through my ears today "by the time the big hand gets on the 12 those lima beans or carrots or whatever I despised that day, better be gone or else."
That little threat of the "or else," actually meant something to kids back then. When your parents spoke you minded!
Nine out of ten times by the time that clock ticked to the dreaded number, I had managed to gag down the vegetable, but... not without a few close calls of it coming right back up. :)
And its so funny how I swore back then..."I will never do this to my kids." Well, guess what?
I did, and 18 years later I am glad for it. I have raised an incredible man that the world should be thankful for. Granted, our life (Mine & Jarrod's) was not quite as story book. Life has taken on a faster pace than my own childhood days. As a working single mother, supper was/is not always on the table every night at 5pm... in fact most nights it's more like 7pm sometimes later, and thats when there are no outside influences preventing that.
Overall, I have worked very hard to keep life simple and as old fashioned as possible. My Son has unbelievable work ethics, morals and good family values... he cherishes our family time and loves our traditions. All I hope for now is that one day he passes all this on to his children and that every now and again they have their Nannie over for one of those Sunday dinners or maybe even a trip back to The Big Apple.
Its time for apple picking, pumpkin patches, chilled cider & hot of the press "old fashioneds" (donuts). A visit to "The Big Apple" is always on the agenda for the first week or so in October. We so look forward to the horse drawn carriage rides while munching on a bag of kettle corn and I love watching Jarrod, share a cup of home made seasonal ice cream with Scooter and My-Ami... Saturdays flavor was spiced pumpkin.
I grew up visiting this local orchard/farm (The Big Apple) and cannot ever remember missing a season of hay rides, candied & caramel apples, and picking out our holiday pumpkin.
I have such fond memories of those days and made a decision while "with child" that I would do my very best to share this type of life with my baby when he or she arrived.
Here we are, "HE" is very much here and now on his 18th annual trip to "The Big Apple." My want and need to share my past & my family traditions with my Son means a great deal to me.
Life was simpler then. Our Dad's worked, and if we were lucky, most Moms were stay at home Mom's. Monday through Friday people worked hard and supper was on the table every night, same time. 5 PM. ( for whatever reason, Dad's were home by then)
There was such routine back then...pork chops and apple sauce on Mondays, cube steak or a meatloaf made with Campbell's tomato soup on Tuesdays, on Wednesdays we had a baked whole chicken. My Brother and I looked so forward to the wishbone and drying it out enough to make a wish upon, Thursdays were often spaghetti or a pasta of another sort and Friday was Pizza night at the Union Cafe... Hooray! All basic healthy meals made with love by Mum. Of course every now and again she'd snazz up the menu with a change; like hamburg sundae over mashed which may have replaced the chicken night... wowie! :)
She also, for reasons still unknown, would make the occassional liver and onions. I always wondered how a woman so good and so kind could be so cruel? Fortunately, we were allowed to drench the horrid liver in ketchup, but still... it went uneaten. She never learned, she'd always try- try again.
On the Saturdays, when we didn't have the old stand by of franks and beans, Dad would take over the kitchen & the good old electric fry pan, he'd fry up peppers and onions and hot Italian sausage ... they'd be smothered in olive oil, most often with scrambled eggs and we would literally sop it all up with a loaf of Italian bread made fresh from Ferrara's market that morning (hence the pepper and egg sandwich I love to this day). Of course poor Mum had to clean up our greasy chins & the horrible mess Dad made.
Sundays were a day of rest, for everyone but MUM. Everything was closed, it was a family day, Sunday morning mass at Saint Mary's and "Sunday dinner day". She made gorgeous roast beef dinners on Sundays with homemade pan gravy from the drippings, oven roasted potatoes, hot rolls and of course some sort of veggie, which back then I could have cared less about, veggies were not at the top of my list.
That was always a battle; being forced to choke those down. My parent's happen to use the old stand by "clock threat."
Their voices still ring through my ears today "by the time the big hand gets on the 12 those lima beans or carrots or whatever I despised that day, better be gone or else."
That little threat of the "or else," actually meant something to kids back then. When your parents spoke you minded!
Nine out of ten times by the time that clock ticked to the dreaded number, I had managed to gag down the vegetable, but... not without a few close calls of it coming right back up. :)
And its so funny how I swore back then..."I will never do this to my kids." Well, guess what?
I did, and 18 years later I am glad for it. I have raised an incredible man that the world should be thankful for. Granted, our life (Mine & Jarrod's) was not quite as story book. Life has taken on a faster pace than my own childhood days. As a working single mother, supper was/is not always on the table every night at 5pm... in fact most nights it's more like 7pm sometimes later, and thats when there are no outside influences preventing that.
Overall, I have worked very hard to keep life simple and as old fashioned as possible. My Son has unbelievable work ethics, morals and good family values... he cherishes our family time and loves our traditions. All I hope for now is that one day he passes all this on to his children and that every now and again they have their Nannie over for one of those Sunday dinners or maybe even a trip back to The Big Apple.
Monday, October 1, 2007
So close ~ yet so far!
Toady is a funny sort of day for me... funny odd. Today is my birthday... but it's a birthday like no other.
Today I am the same age as my Father.
It's ok if your puzzled by that statement... I am too. You may be thinking "How can that be?"
Well, I lost my Dad to a tragic car accident 25 years ago. Today I am the very same age he was when he was taken from us. For some reason I am struggling with this.
We naturally freeze people at the time we lose them... he will never be a day older in our eyes.
I reflect upon my own life and realize how short his visit actually was here.
So sad, he's missed a lot... his children have become parents, his wife now a grandmother, he's never seen his grandchildren, his very first grandson, already an adult, bearing the same initials in memory of his lost grandfather ~ JWS.
We believe "God has his plans" and for Dad, he must have had something bigger and better in mind. I hope so.
"He who has done his best for his own time has lived for all times."
-Friedrich von Schiller
Today I am the same age as my Father.
It's ok if your puzzled by that statement... I am too. You may be thinking "How can that be?"
Well, I lost my Dad to a tragic car accident 25 years ago. Today I am the very same age he was when he was taken from us. For some reason I am struggling with this.
We naturally freeze people at the time we lose them... he will never be a day older in our eyes.
I reflect upon my own life and realize how short his visit actually was here.
So sad, he's missed a lot... his children have become parents, his wife now a grandmother, he's never seen his grandchildren, his very first grandson, already an adult, bearing the same initials in memory of his lost grandfather ~ JWS.
We believe "God has his plans" and for Dad, he must have had something bigger and better in mind. I hope so.
"He who has done his best for his own time has lived for all times."
-Friedrich von Schiller
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